Thoroughly Thirty

Earlier this year I felt like thirty was a freight train that was inevitably going to crash into me.

I was scared of it. Terrified.

Almost as if my twenties were a test I did not pass, I had failed… my dreams of being a young Hollywood Star did not come to fruition. My plans to become a mom in my mid to late twenties had crumbled. This was not how it was supposed to be. Wondering what other people thought of my so-called failures made me feel ashamed. Leaving this decade behind with unmet goals filled me with regret.

Truthfully, I’d always thought I’d have some grand party for my 30th, but once we started fertility treatments this year we were convinced that I would have just had a baby or be pregnant on my birthday. So, I planned nothing, put it off, stopped really thinking about it. When October rolled around, I realized that Thirty Train was coming… ready or not.

We cannot stop time from passing, life from happening. All we can do is choose how we spend it. And I decided I want to spend it well, happy, and truly alive. Not ashamed of where I’ve been or how far I have to go. Not caught up in the resentment of unmet expectations. Every blessed year is worth celebrating! I’ve always believed that. So, I canceled my pity party and decided I was going to jump onto that train instead of letting it crash into me.

I was going to celebrate thirty, and I was going to celebrate BIG. I mean Bucket List Big. I’d always wanted to skydive, and my plan was to do it before we had kids. But we started trying to have kids before I got around to it. So, I wrote it off as something I would never get to do. Oh well. Now, here we are… still childless after two years… and I’m finally learning not to leave my life waiting to be lived. No more not getting around to it. I decided I was going to reclaim this Big thing. And so I welcomed this new decade of my life by jumping out of an airplane. I left every role I didn’t book, every negative pregnancy test, every insane audition and insulting character description, every diagnosis, every time an “industry professional” told me I needed to lose ten pounds or change something else, every failed fertility treatment, every dollar spent on head shots and gas money, every dollar spent on menopur and monitoring, every expectation, every perceived failure, every hard conversation, every heartbreak, every fear, every NO… I left it all up there in that airplane. I let go, and I kissed my twenties goodbye. I hit terminal velocity, free-falling toward the earth arms open wide to embrace the joy, the love, the abundance of my life. The rush of wind in my ears loud enough to drown out my triumphant cries, I fell.

The sensation is like nothing else, like falling through the sky, but being perfectly held up at the same time. I felt elated. Then the parachute opened up, and as we slowed our descent, I could see everything so clearly. Both the beautiful earth God created far below my feet and the extraordinary story of my life He is still shaping. I felt exhilarated, clear, calm. I felt completely ready to take charge of this big scary number and this new decade.Thirty doesn’t get to stop me from pursuing my dreams. It doesn’t matter that I’m not a known actor. That’s a dream that’s been shifting anyway. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t become a mom before thirty. That story is still being written. Now I am seeing my plans change and evolve into something better than I’d originally imagined. And I’m ready to put myself out there so I can start failing some more! I am no longer afraid of a number. I am proud of all I’ve been through to get here and excited about all there is to come. I am claiming thirty, shouting my age from the mountaintops. With giant Mylar balloons! I not only caught that train, I am the conductor now. (See what I did there? ) And y’all, This train is moving full steam ahead! 

Originally published on ActorAndAdventurer.com