I’m Still Standing

I’m still here.

Three years into this season of waiting, this chapter of Not Yet. And I’m still here. ⠀

Yes, still here in the wait. But also... still here. I’m still standing (yeah, yeah, yeah!). I have been so broken, so grief stricken at times during this period (no pun intended) of my life. It’s too easy to sink into despair, to let it consume me. Can I be honest? I almost let infertility win. I almost let it take me down. Some days I felt so lost... I wasn’t even sure who I was anymore. I was living like I was just this diagnosis, like I was just this empty vessel. Lacking so entirely, so completely.

And then something shifted.⠀

It wasn’t one big moment. It happened bit by bit over time... but at some point I stopped trying to use all the angry, bitter, desperate, hopeless thoughts to fill the hollowness within me. And piece by piece I offered up those broken things to the Lord. And piece by piece He took them and made them His. He took my pain and made it purpose. He took my shame and made it vulnerability. He took my jealousy and made it empathy. He took my fear and made it courage. My God took my broken parts and created something more, something better. He filled me up. And now, because of infertility, I have never been more sure of my identity. I am not a diagnosis, I’m not empty arms. I am His. And because of Him, I’m still here.⠀

That doesn’t mean that some days aren’t hard. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t cry while I wrote this. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have to offer up my jealous feelings or worries multiple times some days. But it means that I am imperfectly turning it all over. That I am imperfectly choosing Him first. That I am imperfectly living a life of abundance even in this season of waiting. That I’m imperfectly still here.