Master Storyteller
This was the first thing I wrote after we got the news that our embryo wasn’t viable. That IVF - what we thought of as a sure thing - had failed us. That everything I put body through felt like it was for nothing because we wouldn’t be transferring that tiny embryo back. My first response was faith, and I’m so proud of the person this story is growing me into...
I keep saying that God is writing this story, but then I keep trying to plan what happens next as if I already know. Just when I think I have this story pegged... it comes crashing down. The truth is that my life is not a novel with a predictable storyline. My well rehearsed version is not His. My idea of a plot twist is not His. My beautiful ending to a chapter is not His. And I don’t know why. But I know He sees the bigger picture. He has written out so much character development, incredible detail, and extraordinary circumstances. He knows exactly where this story is going and how long each chapter should last. He is the master storyteller.
And all the while, He still sees my hurt and walks with me. He is small enough to be close to me. I know that all that He does is FOR me. I know that I can trust Him. He is never late, never wrong, never cruel, never absent. He is in all of this. Even when I feel alone, He has not abandoned me. This is where I have to fight for my faith. It is a choice not to drown in despair and anger. It is a choice to not give up. It is a choice to believe He is bigger than all of this. One I am imperfectly making over and over again. It’s easy to trust God with your story when it’s going according to your plan. But when His plan doesn’t look like yours? Right now I’m having to trust more than ever before. We’re talking digging down deep, searching your heart, believing before you see it kind of faith.
I could let myself feel crazy, doubt the promises He has given to me. I could feel angry that it’s still not our turn. I could feel ashamed that I believed this was it, that I was expectant. I could turn to my old friend worry and let her whisper about finances, and my age, and how it might never happen. But I am choosing faith. I am choosing to believe this story is not over yet. I am choosing to trust in my Father God. Because He loves me the way I want to love my child, he longs for me the way I long for our baby. No one loves the way He does, wants good things for me the way He does. I believe Him.
I don’t know what’s next. But He does. I trust Him with this story.
